Sleepless in the Suburbs

The thing about being a mid-life mom is that your body throws way more curves your way than your kids ever do. Just when you’ve got the parenting thing down pat, you begin to lose control of your bodily functions. Okay, I’m not using Depends yet. But when my hormones started going haywire a couple of years ago, my internal thermostat began to reset - I used to perspire; now I sweat. My moods went from even keel to completely off kilter. And I have turned into a nocturnal creature, an exhausted shell of a woman who craves sleep more than sex, food or oxygen.

If you read any books on perimenopause, you’ll see insomnia listed as one of the most common symptoms. Before you experience it for yourself, however, you may think it is easily remedied. A glass of wine. Soft music. A warm bath. How hard can it be to fall asleep? As a two year veteran of the sleepless sisterhood, I can say with some assurance that it is virtually impossible.

Let me pause here to say that it’s not that I haven’t slept at all in 24 months. Most of the time I’m so tired I fall right to sleep once I hit the pillow. I just don’t stay asleep long enough for it to matter. As if wired to some invisible, sadistic alarm, my body jolts awake without fail between 2:00 and 3:00 a.m. most every night. I don’t look at the clock anymore, but I can tell from the pitch darkness of my bedroom that it is still hours until daybreak. And then I do what millions of other hormonally challenged women do to pass the time.

I wonder if I should have bought those black pumps instead of the brown ones. I have imaginary do over conversations with people I’m still angry with. I stress about bills I haven’t paid and feel guilty about all of my parenting mistakes. I think about men I didn’t marry, vacations I never took, and as I roll over for the umpteenth time, check to see if I can pinch an inch around my mid section while making a mental note to get to the gym this week.

When I can’t sleep, I become curious about who else is up. I never actually get out of bed; it would be like admitting defeat; but if I did, I would log onto FB or head over to the open-all-night Walmart, just to reassure myself that I am not alone.

Are you in the sleepless suburban sisterhood? If you are, you will recognize others of your species by their markings. We are the women wearing layers of concealer atop our permanent undereye circles. We keep Viseen and Nodoze in our purses. We smile and nod a lot when people talk to us in an attempt to hide the fact that we have mastered the art of napping mid conversation. When we are with one another, we cluster and cluck about our mutual exhaustion, marveling at the effortless energy displayed by women half our age. When we were young, with so much yet to accomplish, we wished for more hours in a day.

Be careful what you wish for.