Junk in theTrunk

I work as a marketing writer and many of my clients are plastic surgeons. Recently I had the pleasure of researching a new procedure that claims to “improve your rear view.” Intrigued (who doesn’t want to look better in their True Religions?) I read on. But this was not a nice little nip and tuck to make your butt look leaner, meaner, tighter or cuter. This was a popular form of plastic surgery to make your butt bigger. Bigger.

Excuse me?

The procedure is called the “Brazilian Butt Lift” (because ample posteriors are apparently greatly admired in Brazil) and to perform it, the doctor takes fat from elsewhere in your body so that it can be repurposed and injected into your tush. Oh, and the cost of adding a bit more junk to your trunk? Just under four grand. Right. Cuz I know when I get dressed in the morning I often think “Wow, if I had four thousand dollars lying around l’d run right out and get myself a little Ba-donk-a-donk!”

I come from a culture that places a high premium on generous hindquarters. We write songs about them, make videos and movies about them, and squeeze them into too-tight pants at every opportunity. Since I only dated black guys until I was well into my twenties, the fact that I have a “bubble butt” was always considered an asset (pun intended). Still, when it came to body types, I always wished for the opposite of what I had, thinking long legs, boyish hips and big boobs were the ideal. My petite curves made me self conscious, and left me always battling the fear that I was just a little too plump. I remember one guy I dated attempting to pay me a compliment by offering an affectionate swat and exclaiming “Damn girl, you’re really packing some hams!”

I took up jogging shortly after kicking him to the curb in hopes of trimming some slices off those hams. That remark, along with hundreds of others that preceded it (jokes about “Trudie Booty” followed me well into adulthood) made me long for a flatter fanny.

So that leaves me wondering. Who are these women who are paying big bucks for a bigger butt? My inside informants in the plastic surgery industry tell me it’s women of all backgrounds, mostly in their 20s and 30s, some single, some married, some moms. What, nobody over 40? Now there’s a surprise.

So maybe it’s just a generational thing, a byproduct of now ubiquitous thong underwear, Victoria Secret catalogs, J-lo, Shakira and the ever-bootylicious Beyonce. My generation, we avoid dressing room three-way mirrors, put on robes before walking away from the bed nude, don sarongs for a beachside stroll, and will spend half a paycheck on a perfect pair of black pants that seem to diminish our derrieres.

One thing’s for sure, beauty trends fluctuate more than my hormone levels. Straight hair, skinny jeans, chunky jewelry, big butts – in one day, out the next. Regardless, from where I sit, when you ask a girlfriend “Does this make my butt look big?” the answer you are praying for is not now, not ever, an enthusiastic “yes!”