It’s Too Late…Baby

We live in a feel good society that encourages the pursuit of happiness and self fulfillment. We delight in stories of people past their prime who take risks and succeed against the odds, like the 90-year old who gets a college degree, or the universally inspirational Dara Torres, the 41-year old mom who became an Olympic swim champion. Just last week on America’s Got Talent, a weathered-looking Midwest grandma wowed the crowd with her stand-up comedy routine, and you’d be hard pressed not to root for her. The message of the day it seems is “it’s never too late so go for your dreams!” But a headline I recently read made me question the wisdom of that philosophy.

You may recall the story of Carmen Bousda who made history by becoming the oldest woman to give birth at the age of 67 back in 2007. The single mother from Madrid had come to the U.S. for her fertility treatments, and later admitted lying to doctors at the clinic about her age, saying she was 55, so as to not be rejected as a patient. She was so desperate to give birth, she even sold her home to raise the $60,000 dollars needed for treatments. On July 15, Carmen passed away at the age of 69, leaving behind suddenly orphaned two-year old toddlers. Carmen had cancer.Now it could be argued that any mother at any age can die of cancer – it’s one of those unpredictable curves life throws you that no one has a crystal ball for. And in her defense, Carmen had good reason to expect longevity; her own mother lived to the age of 101, so she may have anticipated that giving birth 18 years past menopause still gave her a decent shot at living to see grandchildren. Parenting is a gamble is so many ways, and for Carmen, fulfilling her lifelong dream of becoming a mother – even if she might not live long enough to raise them –was a chance she was simply willing to take. Who could fault her for that?

At the risk of sounding judgmental, I’m picking up the first stone.

Let me start by saying just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. I think motherhood is more than a path to personal fulfillment; it’s not something you pursue simply because you want to experience the thrill of carrying a life inside you. Or because you want to know what it’s like to be a mother. It’s not a cure for loneliness or a replacement for meaningful adult relationships. Motherhood is at heart, a selfless rather than selfish pursuit, as anyone who has children can tell you. Do I think at some point it is simply too late to have children? I do. And while I do not presume to be smart enough to determine what that magical number is, I will say that if you have to lie to the fertility doctors to obtain treatment, you are too old. Period.

I feel sad for Carmen Bousda, and whatever circumstances and life choices left her longing for babies at an age when it was no longer a prudent option. As a former fertility patient myself, I can relate to the joy she must have felt when doctors gave her the good news that she was pregnant. At the same time, I question the wisdom of her decision to buy into the idea that “it’s never too late to pursue your dreams.” Her dream left two children tragically parentless, and for them it will always be too late to play patty cake, go to the park, or read bedtime stories with their mommy, who undoubtedly loved them. But to quote a familiar Bible passage, “love is not self seeking.” Perhaps the pursuit of happiness should not be either.