Can I Be Done?

When my daughter was about four, she’d get tired of the food on her dinner plate, push it away and announce “I’m done.” To which my measured reply was: “You’re not done until I say so. Keep eating.”

At age six, she still has a tendency to leave certain foods untouched, but since she’s figured out the game well enough to try and make me think she’s submitting to authority, she asks, “Mom, can I be done?” My reply hasn’t changed, but her wording did get me thinking.

There are an awful lot of things I’d like to be done with. My short list includes night sweats, hairline grays that refuse to take color, and random chin hairs that seem to sprout overnight. It’s especially nice when you find one of these hairs by accident, say while checking your makeup in your review mirror, on your way home from seeing friends.

I’d also like to be done with all things Bikini Bottom. Unlike Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer or The Backyardigans, Sponge Bob seems to outlive all developmental stages, apparently remaining hilarious to audiences from pre-school to pre-teen and beyond. If your children are young and you are still a Sponge Bob newbie, you might say: “But I like Sponge Bob – it’s funny!” I said that too. Six years ago. Back when it was still funny. When you have seen the driving school episode a gazillion times, trust me, you will want it to be done.

While I’m kicking over some pop culture sacred cows, can I be done with Hannah Montana? I know tweens and moms love her wholesome image, her hunky dad and her quirky antics, but can’t we all really see where this is going? She will grow up and long to pursue grown up roles. To achieve this she will need to shed the squeaky clean Disney image, and like the Britneys and Lindseys before her, she will fall from grace and leave a lot of karaoke-crazed little girls in the dust. I hope I’m wrong – but I’d still like to sever the relationship now, before things get ugly.

I’d like to be done with ridiculous news fillers masquerading as headline news. Does anybody really care what a beauty pageant contestant thinks about gay marriage? Does anybody care what Perez Hilton thinks about what she thinks about gay marriage? Spare me.

I’d like to be done with people who respond to a polite “thank you,” with the ubiquitous “No worries.” Call me old fashioned but in my book, “You’re welcome,” is still the correct answer.

Public displays of butt-crack tattoos? Done. People who shout into cell phones while shopping, dining or simply walking down the street. Done. And any coffee drink that requires more than a three word description while ordering (it’s just so nineties) - totally done.

Well it felt good to get all that out of my system. And I know what you’re thinking. “Is she done yet?”

Done.